I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
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Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I unironically love this joke.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?