If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
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Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
BRUNO MARS: I’d catch a grenade for ya
ME: Thanks, but I’d probably still die.
BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I’m not chubby, I’m alt skinny.
A meeting without food should be an email.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”
That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM