Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
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FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
My 7yo has a friend over and I’m pretty sure he learned how to whisper during a hurricane.
Listen, guys. I’ve had two kids.
Your promise to “destroy” it is no good here.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
This nurse acts like no one else takes off all their clothes when they get on the scale. Pfft
I think I put the roofie in the wrong driiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.