I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
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I was looking at my four year old son, and the love and happiness I felt in that moment was so overwhelming I felt my eyes tearing up. He caught me looking, smiled, put one little hand on my cheek, and said, “Mommy I can see your moustache.”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath