I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

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Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.


FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.


My 7yo has a friend over and I’m pretty sure he learned how to whisper during a hurricane.


Listen, guys. I’ve had two kids.

Your promise to “destroy” it is no good here.


Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee


[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch


God: POP


This nurse acts like no one else takes off all their clothes when they get on the scale. Pfft


I think I put the roofie in the wrong driiiiiiiiiiiiiii


Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.