@benharnett

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

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@Mr_Kapowski

“Get your poop in a group” is a childish way of saying “get your shit together” but I prefer my take of “gather the pieces of your feces”

@bonehugsnirony

Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool

@SergioValenCo

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

@RedRegenerated

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

@AbbeYaar

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger & write “WASH ME” on her face.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

@Home_Halfway

[Inventor of the bagpipes] What if I blew into a pillow until I passed out

@ThisOneSayz

Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?

@KeetPotato

stewardess: “sir you aren’t allowed to smoke that during the flight”
me: [putting a salmon back in my hand luggage] “this is such bullshit”