@benharnett

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

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@NYC_Blonde

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

@VisionBored1

I was looking at my four year old son, and the love and happiness I felt in that moment was so overwhelming I felt my eyes tearing up. He caught me looking, smiled, put one little hand on my cheek, and said, “Mommy I can see your moustache.”

@SadPeruna

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

@patnspankme

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

@Tommytoughstuff

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

@ddsmidt

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

@MarkTConard

If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.

@mommywhitfield

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

@briangaar

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath