@BatBatshitcrazy

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

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@shutupmikeginn

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

@illuminateddino

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

@nerdreign

I worry that people who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” may have missed a Science class or two.

@Scdavis24

Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people…or sometimes floors

@maebemarbles

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

@delasoulless

Faster! Faster! Faster! Don’t stop! Almost there!Yes! YESSSS! -me trying to get everyone through the traffic light.

@UnFitz

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

@TheToddWilliams

[backstage at GOP debate]
AIDE: Mr. Trump needs his hair.
CAT: I’m puking as fast as I can.

@roxiqt

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.