I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

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If a man approaches you and he’s wearing Crocs, hold perfectly still.

Their vision is based off movement.


priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*


If you come across a stranger in a dark alley immediately hug him so he knows you’re not a threat.


I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.


Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free


Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”


You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.


Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.