@BatBatshitcrazy

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

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@aPunch2theJunk

Ladies:

If a man approaches you and he’s wearing Crocs, hold perfectly still.

Their vision is based off movement.

@generaldietz

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

@BackrowSeats

If you come across a stranger in a dark alley immediately hug him so he knows you’re not a threat.

@AndreyasAsylum

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

@pittdave13

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

@TheBoydP

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

@Maxine12333

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

@MrsTomServo

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.