I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
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Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out