I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
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In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
“I FIXED IT!”
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV