I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

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BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.


In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties


Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.


“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“So I can make a stupid joke”


If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?


Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*


villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit


Crabs can’t eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.