@EndhooS

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

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@ImSoFrancis

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

@zachreinert03

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

@TheKrisWilson

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

@ItsAndyRyan

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

@FilthyRichmond

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

@sarcasticmommy4

Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*

@Skoog

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

@philmann

Crabs can’t eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.