I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
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There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
me after drinking all the wine:
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed