I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
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When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Well, shit
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips