I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
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Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson