ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
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In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Wife: We’ve been robbed!
Me: I called the copse
Wife: You mean the COPS?
Group of trees: Hi, we’re Special Branch
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
As a cat burglar most of my late night break-ins are actually well orchestrated attempts to pet other peoples animals.