I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
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8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Mmmm. Shoeshi
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Oh no
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that