People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
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my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.