I joke but this Scotland thing is nuts. I mean…imagine if Canada ever tried to secede from the U.S.

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The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.


WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot


W: Again no


What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster


Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.


*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Me-You’ve changed


You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?



Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??


Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis


I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.