@TonyFratto

I joke but this Scotland thing is nuts. I mean…imagine if Canada ever tried to secede from the U.S.

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@NicCageMatch

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

@flashember

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

@Staggfilms

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

@SnarkyMommy78

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

@crabgirl_

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

@pplwtching

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

@Megatronic13

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

@BoiSmurfie

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

@iamjohnsarris

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.