WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
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Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Duck typos.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
first you must answer his riddles