The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I joke but this Scotland thing is nuts. I mean…imagine if Canada ever tried to secede from the U.S.
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WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.