[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
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Love this guy
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?