I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
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This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
i choose….tongue