I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
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Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
mathematically impossible
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)