I just accidentally opened the door for a jehovah’s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.

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Me: what are we doing today

Trainer: let work on your forearms.

Me: but I only have 2

T: What?!?

Me: *whispers* I only have 2?


On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”


*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes


I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.


I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:




“They are more afraid of you than you are of them.”

-people who know even less about me than they do about bears


“Something in the way she moos / attracts me like no udder lover”


i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon


Chemists do tell jokes, but there’s no reaction because all their people skills Argon.

Omg, that’s Sodium funny, right? Na? Okay.


70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.