You Might Also Like
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Incredible customer service.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious