@Ohgoddessitsme

I just accidentally opened the door for a jehovah’s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.

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@TitansHomer

Me: what are we doing today

Trainer: let work on your forearms.

Me: but I only have 2

T: What?!?

Me: *whispers* I only have 2?

@GrantTanaka

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

@Los01001111

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

@Kryzazy

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

@marinarachael

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

@hazelmotes1

“They are more afraid of you than you are of them.”

-people who know even less about me than they do about bears

@thesulk

“Something in the way she moos / attracts me like no udder lover”

@KimmyMonte

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

@hayes_t_r

Chemists do tell jokes, but there’s no reaction because all their people skills Argon.

Omg, that’s Sodium funny, right? Na? Okay.

@FunnyBison

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.