@robin_991

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

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@LuckoftheDraw86

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

@TheHyyyype

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

@Ophoenix1

I love Americans. You guys have the best serial killers.

@WesTheFatKid

Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.”

…… apparently.

@maddyalou

Feeling sick at work.
Subway to the bus-$5
Bus to commuter lot-$2
Puking in my car-$0
Guy in the car next to me puking in response-priceless

@EJGomez

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

@CoolCamel69

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

@omically

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

@david8hughes

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.