I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
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I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.