this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
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“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I love Americans. You guys have the best serial killers.
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.”
Feeling sick at work.
Subway to the bus-$5
Bus to commuter lot-$2
Puking in my car-$0
Guy in the car next to me puking in response-priceless
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.