I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
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“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Not today
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
When you let grandma cat sit
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door