@CelebrityChez

I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.

You Might Also Like

@IamEveryDayPpl

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

@hadafewbeers

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

@AnitaHelmet

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.

@shwebby2

British police don’t carry guns. So what exactly do they do then?

Yell “STOP… OR I’LL SAY STOP AGAIN!”

@OctopusCaveman

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion