[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
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How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….