I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

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This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married


Don’t worry, dude, You’re fine. I’m pretty sure you need a personality first before it can have a disorder.


The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.


can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
“am or pm?”


The Golden Globes is how everyone else on twitter gets revenge on sports fans.


“Damn girl are you a dam, girl? Cuz your water just broke haha”

yes we will go to the hospital in a minute honey, jesus christ im tweeting


You could eat off the floor in this bathroom, but that’s just a euphemism. We have a dining room.


My next relationship will be with someone who thinks “Wine” is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what’s for dinner.