I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
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Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.