@inikoblue

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

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@Peauxtassium

This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married

@AristotlesNZ

Don’t worry, dude, You’re fine. I’m pretty sure you need a personality first before it can have a disorder.

@Spotzwoj

The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.

@murrman5

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

@ryanchris

The Golden Globes is how everyone else on twitter gets revenge on sports fans.

@aholealex

“Damn girl are you a dam, girl? Cuz your water just broke haha”

yes we will go to the hospital in a minute honey, jesus christ im tweeting

@HatfieldAnne

You could eat off the floor in this bathroom, but that’s just a euphemism. We have a dining room.

@vodkachrome

My next relationship will be with someone who thinks “Wine” is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what’s for dinner.