I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
You Might Also Like
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter