I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
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Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.