I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
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The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie