@CruisinSoozan

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

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@TheMichaelRock

Nice try, Team USA. Not bad for a country that only cares about soccer for two weeks every other year!

@Amburglar_

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

@forensictoxguy

I just got kicked out of a flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

@dumbbeezie

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

@rzarosco

Is 6 celebrity impersonations too small a number for me to do on this first date? I feel like its a little low…

@BeeeejEsq

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

@piper_itup

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

@PwrFulWmn

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

@MariyaAlexander

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.