I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
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Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Just so funny
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story