@KentWGraham

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

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@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

@T_Bonezzz_

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

@CodyJP9412

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

@UncleDuke1969

My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

@lovemyboots111

Ladies, if your man says he’ll fix it, he will. There’s no reason to remind him every 6 months.

@MarfSalvador

[Desert island]
Me: JANE!
Jane: What?
M: It’s a boat!
J: HEEEEEEEEELP!

Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats

@murrman5

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents