God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
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I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
“Emma Stone” ~ Italian man telling you he’s high
Ladies, if your man says he’ll fix it, he will. There’s no reason to remind him every 6 months.
M: It’s a boat!
Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT