Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
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[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
the saddest jazz hands ever
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo