Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
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I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
The game has officially changed 😎
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist