I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
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God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.