@LarrysTwin99

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

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@Gupton68

10: “What are we doing today?

Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”

10: “Then what are we going to do?”

Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”

@StranDadAbroad

I accidentally sent my kids to Mimecraft camp and haven’t heard from them since.

@mrtruthandsoul

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

@daemonic3

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

@wolfpupy

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

@ieatanddrink

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

@iamspacegirl

the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters

@robdelaney

I have never “cat called” a woman. I go home, paint her from memory & then yell at the painting. It’s called respect.