@LarrysTwin99

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

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@Fruit_Slinger

I’m hungry but broke so I’m waiting for my bf to say he’s hungry too than he’ll order something delicious while I pretend to be indifferent.

@eawilliamson

Yesterday the nurse at the CVS walk-in clinic asked me who my primary care physician was and I’m like baby I’m at the CVS walk in clinic, it is clearly you

@daemonic3

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

@stephenjmolloy

“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”

@mrnickharvey

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

@Phook75

“You’ll be visited by 3 ghosts.”

“Will they show me the true spirit of Christmas?”

“No, they’ll try to eat you.”

Pac-Man Christmas Carol

@hasht4g

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

@david8hughes

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

@KeetPotato

[my 1st day as crime scene investigator]
detective: “how did this man drown?”
me: “he could not breathe underwater”

@ImHopel3ss

My dealer said he’ll be here in 20 minutes with the best popcorn ever. We’re gonna watch a movie!