I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

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10: “What are we doing today?

Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”

10: “Then what are we going to do?”

Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”


I accidentally sent my kids to Mimecraft camp and haven’t heard from them since.


“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”


Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.


if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.


Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!


the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters


I have never “cat called” a woman. I go home, paint her from memory & then yell at the painting. It’s called respect.