I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
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[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”