Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
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Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
🙁
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again