I just ate so much Chinese food that now I’m able to use algorithms based on linear algebra to solve large numerical systems.

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If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say “It’s on the house.”


girl: tough guys are hot

*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this


The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.


Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat


*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*


Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.


Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no


The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.


Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”