The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
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Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.