@NotJPo

I just ate so much Chinese food that now I’m able to use algorithms based on linear algebra to solve large numerical systems.

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@DepecheALAmode

If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say “It’s on the house.”

@MeatyPunk

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

@FlyJ_

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

@bossy_bootz

Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat

@UncleDuke1969

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

@AbbyHasIssues

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

@WineMummy

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

@stephenjmolloy

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”