I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
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an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”