I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
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I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
August 8
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
S O O N
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.