I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
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“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy