@pauleggleston

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

You Might Also Like

@kyry5

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

@living_marble

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

@Tmoney68

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

@PinkCamoTO

You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.

@VanVeenB

Dance like nobody’s watching you.

‘Cause they’re not.
Nobody cares.

~Inspirational tweet~

@dril

oerdering 40 plates of baby back ribs on a stolen credit card so that i can get enough wet naps to clean my entire body #JustGuyShit #normal

@sameblacklist

There should be an eBay for evil people so they can purchase evil people stuff without having their motives questioned.

@trumpetcake

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be

@Pink

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot