One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
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One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Dance like nobody’s watching you.
‘Cause they’re not.
oerdering 40 plates of baby back ribs on a stolen credit card so that i can get enough wet naps to clean my entire body #JustGuyShit #normal
There should be an eBay for evil people so they can purchase evil people stuff without having their motives questioned.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot