WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
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Me: *panic buying*
[Later At Home]
Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf?
Me: I panicked
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
First day of school and 8’s teacher has already sent a note home with him: “You dropped your son off at the wrong school.”
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Me: alright early to bed
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
People are allowed to change their mind, I whisper, as I reach for a third Cinnabon.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific