@ConanOBrien

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

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@nbadag

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

@brynnester

Me: *panic buying*

[Later At Home]

Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf?

Me: I panicked

@TheAlexNevil

First day of school and 8’s teacher has already sent a note home with him: “You dropped your son off at the wrong school.”

@meghaffer

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

@david8hughes

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

@bighandsmassuer

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

@MsSkaarsgard

People are allowed to change their mind, I whisper, as I reach for a third Cinnabon.

@QwertyJones3

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific