Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Think I pulled my liver
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?