The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
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It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.