I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
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Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend