wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
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Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Me: I’m quitting to go play guitar for Metallica.
Boss: Wow! I wasn’t aware that you even played guitar.
Me: Let’s not make this difficult.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
My GF arrives in town next week. I’m so excited!
I just hope that all the tension w/ Russia doesn’t make U.S. immigration hold up the mail.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.