@Sanbel11

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

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@iwearaonesie

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

@TheRobCee

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

@Karissajem

Me: I’m quitting to go play guitar for Metallica.
Boss: Wow! I wasn’t aware that you even played guitar.
Me: Let’s not make this difficult.

@pharmasean

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals

@SoulYodeler

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

@UnFitz

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

@Jenny4ashley

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

@sirmunchie

My GF arrives in town next week. I’m so excited!

I just hope that all the tension w/ Russia doesn’t make U.S. immigration hold up the mail.

@daddydoubts

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.