I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
You Might Also Like
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
I’m giving up for Lent.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles