I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
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Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.