I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
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if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
A Short Story.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.