I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
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Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
adding to the discourse
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out