WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
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I hope one day to have the chance to whisper “what’s she doing here?” to the person next to me at a funeral.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Her: Go deeper!
Me: *panics and start quoting Hemingway*
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.