@panmidwest

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

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@dafloydsta

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

@GaryJanetti

I hope one day to have the chance to whisper “what’s she doing here?” to the person next to me at a funeral.

@ScottLinnen

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

@robdelaney

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

@tourettzgoth

Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette

@edgarrants

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

@Mothernetic

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

@squirrel74wkgn

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.