@panmidwest

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

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@fro_vo

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

@brianbowman73

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

@AndrewChamings

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

@DiscountLando

*at the lingerie store

Me: Could you help me pick something out for my girlfriend?

Sales assistant: Sure, what’s your girlfriend’s body type?

Me: Exactly like mine.

@awescar

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

@JasonLastname

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

@robfromonline

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

@lmegordon

My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.

@einsteinsexual

Stereotypes are just like regular types, except every time someone almost kills me, while I’m driving, it’s an Asian person.