@JerryThomas

I just bought an answering machine and it doesn’t work. Or maybe I’m just asking it the wrong questions.

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@HelenMaryMe

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink, until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.

@CruisinSoozan

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

@Maxine12333

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

@DrakeGatsby

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*

@PaperWash

[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man

@ArfMeasures

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

@horsedivorce

Do I have to have watch Spiderman 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 1, and 2 to understand what’s going on in Spiderman 3?

@AndyRichter

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

@danimgrace

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

@VikingJonesy

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire