Woman on the plane just asked her crying son “are you gonna be a gangsta or a crybaby” I’m like damn are these the only options?
I just bought an answering machine and it doesn’t work. Or maybe I’m just asking it the wrong questions.
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ME: Is this Babies R Us
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
ME: Get me your manager
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
You going to eat those sausages?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your best strength?
ME: I’m very self-lubricated
INT: You mean self-motivated?
ME: *slides out of the office* Nooooooooooo
when paris hilton singlehandedly saved the US economy