I just bought an answering machine and it doesn’t work. Or maybe I’m just asking it the wrong questions.

You Might Also Like


My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink, until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.


You want to sext?
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*


Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.


[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*


[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man


ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong


Do I have to have watch Spiderman 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 1, and 2 to understand what’s going on in Spiderman 3?


Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”


Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.


Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire