My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
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not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
time machine? you mean a clock?
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!