My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink, until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.
I just bought an answering machine and it doesn’t work. Or maybe I’m just asking it the wrong questions.
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You want to sext?
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Do I have to have watch Spiderman 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 1, and 2 to understand what’s going on in Spiderman 3?
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire