I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
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*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Waiting for the Charmin
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.