I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
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Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I have never related to anyone more.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.