@PoguePhilosophy

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

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@blade_funner

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

@OrdinaryAlso

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.

@ClichedOut

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

@1CleverClogs

I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you’d better do what I meant and not what I said.

@khachapurim

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

@noogscorner

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

@TweetPotato314

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

@Ahhmandah

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

@ShortSleeveSuit

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

@iGreenMonk

She said she was turned on by men who took risks.

So he took the plastic off his iPhone screen.