My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
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The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you’d better do what I meant and not what I said.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
She said she was turned on by men who took risks.
So he took the plastic off his iPhone screen.