@adamhess1

I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.

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@therealeatwood

What is the deal with beverages being called Dry, you are literally lying

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

@jake_likes_naps

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

@HenpeckedHal

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

@d_duhwit

Me: I treat my body like a temple.

*leaves body in the Mexican jungle for 500 years*

@okimstillhungry

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

@sophielou

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”