<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
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When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Good morning
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
The Compass
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.