@adamhess1

I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.

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@sixfootcandy

*hears someone breaking into my house*

Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!

@TedOfficialPage

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

@ojedge

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

@JustBeingEmma

My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

@jonnysun

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

@auty_schmotty

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

@SuperApple80

Hair dresser: So how do you normally style your hair at home?
Me: *just laughing until it hurts*

@abbycohenwl

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

@EvilSchwartzie

The police get mad at you if you try to marry a squirrel. Even if you’re pretty sure it’s a girl squirrel.