What is the deal with beverages being called Dry, you are literally lying
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
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Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Making my voice mail message say
“Just hang up and text me.”
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Me: I treat my body like a temple.
*leaves body in the Mexican jungle for 500 years*
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]