I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
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autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
went fishing caught a bass
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
so weird how every mom was born today
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
not to brag, but mine was free
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points