@drunktweets81

I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.

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@House_Feminist

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

@jake_lach

Who’s the idiot that made it Killer whale and not Panda shark

@jonnysun

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

@TeamPHumor

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

@kangel76

If “Cops” has taught me anything it’s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they’re nothing but trouble…

@ilovepie84

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

@YuckyTom

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

@TheDairylandDon

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

@rebrafsim

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah