This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
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My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.