@kevnasto

I just called up the phone company and put em on hold. Every 5min i come on an tell them how important their business is to me. Please hold.

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@Big_Cat74

Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”

@oye_gujju

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

@fattydaddy02

“Farm to fork”, but it’s just me taking you to a corn maze to bang.

@Stella1070

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

@AnnietheNanny1

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

@ArfMeasures

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

@iamspacegirl

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST *starts to shuffle them*

@envydatropic

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

@Shock_Monster

I don’t gossip because:

1. It’s not my business.
2. I’m no better than anyone else.
3. And no one tells me any good juicy stuff 🙁

@Just_Lee_

My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I’m disgusted.

What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?