Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
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my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Time heals everything 🙂
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
How funny!
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’